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Dear Lord, have you ever tried to wax poetic about a woman's ass as she walks? It defies comparison. It is infallibly, brightly, unaproachably itself. (The best I came up with was "orbiting worlds of apricots," a phrase I maybe partly stole from Appollinaire, but that's so far off -- not to mention clumsy -- it's insulting.) Dear Lord, her ass made me think of lordosis. I remember reading about lordosis in the ninth grade. As long as I live I will never forget the words in that textbook: "In mating, the female lion lays flat on the ground on her abdomen, and raises her rear end in the air, in a position called 'lordosis.' This is believed to provide the greatest penetration for the male." Dear Lord, have mercy. Dear Lord, when a woman wears tight jeans down a busy sidewalk shaking her booty like she stepped out of Al Green's wet-dream, it's difficult not to think of lordosis. In fact, dear Lord, it's enough to make a man fall to his fucking knees and weep.

--teddy macker