forget it's a wonderful life. forget miracle on 34th st. forget -- gasp! -- a christmas story. the ultimate holiday movie is santa claus conquers the martians! this little anti-gem will have you laughing so hard by its cheapjack fx, its horrible acting, and sets that must've strained the film's budget of $1.50, that you may spend christmas in the e.r. from a busted gut.

a cast of no-names, oh wait 10-year-old pia zadora is one of the martian kids, and non-directed by one nicholas webster the premise is that the poor children of mars are sad and out of sorts cuz they watch earth tv and see an interview with santa claus live from the north pole gearing up for the christmas festivities. the martians you see treat their kids like little adults, they ain't got no time for play and frivolity. the martian adults wonder why the kids are so bummed and consult their oracle who alerts them to the childrens' woe. so the head greenie [the martians are painted green while always wearing, i mean never taking them off thru the entire run of the movie so we never even know if they have hair, odd-shaped helmets replete with antennae] hatches a plan to kidnap ol' kris kringle and smuggle him back to mars.

but as johhny rotten spat out in the 1970s about having 'no fun' the lead guy seeks to rectify the situation. all to the contrary of the martian way of life which is predicated on the principles of 'no fun.' horrors! so that when st. nick is bustled into his new-fangled automated workshop to make the martian rugruts their first toys there are a few meanie-greenies set to spoil the works and jump the claus.

slapstick ensues. the bad guys kidnap instead what is passed for comic relief in the film, a character called 'dropo' who admires santa so much that one night he dressed as the jolly one and went to run the workshop as big red slept. but the bad guys learn of their mistake too late, and the head party-pooper is pelted by toys from the kids until he cries uncle. santa claus teaches the martians the proper uses of 'fun' and is shuffled back to earth just in time for christmas.

i saw this film when i was just a wee tyke at a 2nd run cinema in the early 1970s. i've never forgot it. when i found the disc on sale for a buck a couple of weeks ago i snatched it up. last night me and nicholas watched it together. nicholas promptly fell asleep whereas i was sitting on the edge of my chair.

i want to kiss on the lips those geniuses who conceived, financed and produced this film. a movie like this is sui generis.

i nearly went to the hospital to stitch up my gut. should you venture a looksee at this film take care to get up every once in a while for a pee, or popcorn, or a fresh beer. otherwise you may just start laughing so hard you'll split yr side, and end up having to explain yrself to a triage nurse.

consider yrself warned.

happy christmas!