notes at 11:24 pm

at the age of 48 i know i will die.  i have known since i was around 5 years old that i will die.  but yet and so i think i will live forever.  a necessary illusion?  after nick and i walked to the local fireworks stand for our ration of fireworks -- natch -- we came home with our booty.  then we took our stash of goodies downstairs to the basement.  we have a basement.  most houses in california, at least our portion of california, do not have basements.  we have leftover fireworks, sparklers and such, from last year.  i busied myself by gathering up last year's fireworks and placing them with the new ones.  then i felt a thud on my head.  i stopped, stunned.  i asked nick, what was that.  a full can of paint fell on my head.  a large knot formed on the back of my head.  i felt with my fingers and looked: blood.  shock.  adrenaline.  me shaking.  i sat down on the steps.  there was pressure behind my eyes.  yet i was lucid.  i didn't feel dizzy.  my vision was good.  i think my shaking was the result of the shock.  life can change, or end, in an instant.  i am 48.  shit can happen.  the seeming most insignificant things can take us out of this life.  no reason to obsess over our fragility even tho we can be reminded of our fragility by various domestic chores.  i know i won't live forever.  but i think i will.  later anna and i went grocery shopping.  nick was busy doing summer vacation kind of things.  my head was still feeling a bit fuzzy.  tonight's dinner was leftover pizza.  i felt like ice cream.  so i bought a half gallon of peanut butter cup ice cream, and had two scoops.  i did so not because it was healthy but because i am alive and ice cream is good.  we came home from the store.  i ate the pizza then had peanut butter cup ice cream.  anna and i watched a little TV.  we did all this because we are alive.