for your height only [1981]

james bond? now that there is a new bond flick, and yes i understand the newest bond, daniel craig, delivers a brooding, yet animal sexiness, back to the franchise that's been long absent. but i've no huge interest in seeing the just released agent 007 flick, quantum of solace, nor have i seen the first craig-as-bond movie, casino royale. sure, it's my loss, but for me bond is sean connery and all the rest of the bonds suck compared to the first james of the franchise.

so for the rest of you who might be tired of the same-old-same-old when it comes to action flicks and the likes of secret agents who look great, are nearly superhuman when jumping from burning planes or hi-rise buildings, bed beautiful women, and have gadgets galore, let me suggest an alternative actioner starring a secret agent of the kind you've not seen before. let me introduce to you the fantastic - and no i'm not being facetious, for this might be a low-budget philippine production ripping off the james bond franchise, but it is no mere exploitation movie - for in this flick the women are beautiful but each one of them can kick your ass and the star is agent 00, a man who stands at eye-level with r2-d2 because he is about a meter tall, mr weng weng.

but make no mistake about weng's diminutive size or the nature of this movie, weng is a hardy and brilliant secret agent who let's nothing get in the way of completing his mission. the plot begins when a famous scientist is abducted by a handful of hatchet-faced thugs led by a mr giant. mr giant is - i don't know how to say this so i'll say it simply - mr giant is a talking vanity mirror. the kind of mirror you'd find at a k-mart store circa 1978. it is the kind of mirror with lights on it that you might've seen your older sister, if you have an older sister, use to put on make-up just before hitting the disco on saturday night. in other words, this production is cheap! even agent 00's gadgets look like nothing more than geegaws bought from a gum machine. but back to the plot: weng is recruited to rescue the scientist before mr giant can get his - hmm, clutches? - on the scientist's newest bomb.

and yet, weng's brio makes up for the $1.50 spent on fx and set designs. he not only kicks ass he also kicks the bad guys in their nuts. the dude is a veritable ball-wrecker. weng kicks so many cojones he'll have most men watching holding on for dear life. and that's not all. he's got that i don't know what so that women can't resist him. and if you think i'm making fun of weng, think again. as i said, this movie is no mere exercise in exploitation. it is almost a love-letter to weng, the filmmaker gives weng much respect and allows the star's verve to explode.

and that's not all. whoever did the music, or stole the music, for this flick did a credible job at a bond film pastiche that is played over and over again so that dialogue is held to a bare minimum, perhaps because dubbing a talky soundtrack into english might have been a bit too expensive for the producers, while illuminating the action onscreen. the movie is almost like a silent film. the editing is choppy, as you might expect from a threadbare production and the photography looks like it was filmed with stock stolen from the editing room floor of another production. the lighting is harsh, almost like fluorescent lighting. still, all that cheapness works in this film's favor, as it somehow highlights the charisma of weng weng.

so for all you tired of bond, james bond and his millionth iteration, grab a few beers, check your head at the door, and see this film. i can't recommend this movie enough.