just skating the inside of a level of anxiety that can become toxic. if that sounds like hyperbole it isn't since i've long suffered from panic disorder and twice in my life i've been so knocked out by the disease that i could hardly leave the house. what really worries me is not just the loss of control from the state of my mind, but that language becomes difficult. speaking sometimes takes a herculean effort and tho i've managed to continued to write under extreme duress the fear of loss of control makes the act of writing an art of phobia control. for in panic disorder a host of phobias can develop and it can take years to recover from them. any activity might seem to bring on an attack and therefore that activity is usually associated with the disease and thus avoided. that alone is horrifying.

but that sounds more awful than the level i'm currently experiencing. i've promised myself and i promised anna to get medical help if my attacks increase in their severity. what worries me is the personality altering effects both of the attacks and perhaps even the medication should i be prescribed them. i worry about losing my pleasures of reading/writing which in my life is my life. i worry about being unable to sit thru a feature film. i don't worry about my family since i've always taken comfort and pleasure in my relationships even when i was in the depths of hell.

i worry too much just the same. talking about the disease helps i think. guess that's why i'm stating it here. for the most part i think one of my abiding resources is my ability to take pleasure in my mere being of living. i could write more about my personal coping mechanisms but frankly who cares all that much. i don't. better to get on with it. life demands nothing less.