beware the ides of march

well, really, come now. i think my pissedness yesterday was more chemical in nature than causal in my environment. i must be careful and this morning i recognized the symptoms i have of my panic disorder, severe irritability, depression, a stomach that feels like a bowl of roiling acid. i've been on a high the past few days and i crashed big time yesterday and everything looked like shit to me. when i get like that i know that the black back wall is just over the horizon. sometimes i simply can't help but to crash into it. sometimes i can slow myself down and try to calm myself, get all yoda-like and chill.

by last night around 10 pm i almost felt human again. the symptoms did not dissipate right away and a panic attack can hit with the force of a 10 megaton nuclear blast without warning. what i find terrifying is losing not only perspective but a pleasure that i get out of life. so far, nada, but i've promised myself to seek medical attention when i most need it and not procrastinate to the point where i am nearly immobilized by constant and hyper-physical fear.

but enough of that. i've not put myself up to a daily writing task in some time. so for this month i'm gonna watch movies and write about them as critical poems. i'll use the titles, directors, and years of release as the title for the poems. they'll be just text without any youtube trailers as tie-ins. i won't post everyday but whatever flick i watch i want to write about them without using standard criticism. we'll see how it goes. i may just think it is a bunch of shit and stop in the middle of the month. what i need however is a task to kickstart some writing and i've been thinking about this for some time.

here goes. . .